Uncertain Hope

December 17, 2018

I wish I could say that I'm writing this with all my prayers answered. I wish I could tell you that now that I am following Jesus passionately that my life has been a series of nothing but good news and euphoric feelings, but it hasn't. In fact it feels almost more difficult; and maybe that's due to my own inability to understand but I think that there's a lot more to it than that. Truly following Jesus has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Its made me question almost everything about myself. Because no one had ever told me that this would be as hard as its been. No one told me that when you follow Jesus people you love might leave you. No one told me when you follow Jesus you will still feel alone sometimes. No one told me when you follow Jesus you will still have pain from past hurts. No one told me that when you follow Jesus there will be less people to follow him with you. No one told me that when you follow Jesus you will still have to fight against anxiety. So when all of this was happening to me, i felt like there was something wrong with me. How come people didn't talk about this? Why did the girls who post the same Bible verses and attend the same Christian conferences as me not seem to have this problem? So for awhile I concluded that God just wasn't as close to humanity as everyone claimed he was. Even though in the back of my mind I knew this wasn't true, it felt like it. So I took a step back. I stopped going to church for awhile, stopped reading my devotionals, stopped pursuing my relationship with Jesus. So what at first was only supposed to be a step back, soon became miles back and God felt farther away than ever. Which frustrated me more and kept me in my state of uncertainty of him; exactly what the enemy wanted. But through this experience I have learned so much more. I have learned that following Jesus does not mean that you are now immune to the pain that people have caused you. I have learned that if your faith depends on your emotions, then you don't really have faith. I have learned that rejection is God's protection for you. I have learned that feeling alone does not mean I am alone. I have learned that Even though there are less people to walk with, the few that do make the walking so much easier. I have learned that although I might still battle anxiety, trusting him makes it possible for me to win. So here's my point. Following Jesus doesn't mean your life will be easy; it will probably be a lot harder. But following Jesus is definitely worth every tear shed and every superficial person lost. He makes every high worth the lows.  He is what enables me to have hope in the uncertainty.

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2017 by Sophie J